Now that your son/daughter is off to college, here are some ways to help you support (and survive) the beginning of the college years. (more…)
Fall means that summer temperatures begin to drop, leaves start to change color and school is in full swing. The onset of a new school year is exciting for some kids as they settle back in to school, reunite with friends and resume learning. For other kids, a new school year may evoke less desirable feelings, such as anxiety about the year to come. As parents and caregivers, it is important to be aware of how your child experiences that transition back to school and the pressures they experience throughout the year, in order to support them and set them up for success.
1) Attend Open House, parent-teacher conferences and other school events. These opportunities provide the opportunity to form a relationship with your child’s teacher and other adults that interact with your child on a daily basis. This effort is also a way to lead by example. This action demonstrates your commitment to the school and investment in your kid’s education.
2) Have an open dialogue with your kids about school. Make sure your kids know that they can talk to you about the good, as well as the bad, regarding school.
3) Validate any feelings of frustration, dislike, sadness or worry they might have. Kids need to know that their feelings are normal and they will get through this.
4) Remind them that other kids feel the same way and that adjusting to a new year, as well as maintaining rigor, can be hard, but that we adapt and persevere.
5) Provide examples of other instances that your son/daughter demonstrated persistence. Reminding kids of their success in difficult times helps them become more resilient, giving them the “I can do it” attitude.
6) Expect some ebb and flow of emotions. Kids may change their mind about school by the day, hour or even minute! This may indicate excitement surrounding areas of confidence and success, as well as those aspects of school that trigger anxiety or dislike.
7) Help your child to acknowledge the positives and problem solve surrounding the negatives. For example, if your child is concerned about keeping up in math, brainstorm some solutions, such as, relying on the on the skills they already have, asking their teacher for help and working on homework together.
8) Involve your kids in signing up for extra-curricular or social activities. Extracurricular activities can provide a great opportunity for further learning, enjoyment and character development, if you child wants to be there. When kids feel that they had a role in the decision making process, they may present with increased dedication. By soliciting their input in activities, kids may experience an increased sense of control over the situation. When extracurricular activities are school-sponsored or engage kids your children see at school, they provide an additional opportunity to form a positive connection to school.
Kids at the elementary age need to explore which activities they enjoy and have success. Allow them these opportunities without “over scheduling” them where they resent not being able to have downtime to play with friends.
Good luck! Have a great school year!
This weekend, Chicago hosts one of the biggest festivals in America, Lollapalooza. Lollapalooza is compared to Woodstock, perhaps because of the free-for-all, hippy-freedom atmosphere, not to mention the incomparable music. It draws over 100,000 people each day for the three day festival and is well-attended by teens. They love the music and hanging with friends. Yet, the lack of supervision can pose great risks too.
Lurie Children’s Hospital reports that during last year’s festival, 102 adolescents between the ages of 13 and 20 were admitted to the hospital for drinking related incidences. This was over twice the number of admits at the second highest weekend festival, Spring Awakening. Reports indicate that a majority of the people who are admitted to the hospital are white females from the North Shore. So, it DOES happen with OUR kids here in the ‘burbs.
How to Talk to Your Teen about Drinking/Drugs/Risky Behavior at Any Music Festival:
- Discuss with your teenager that staying with friends is important. Safety in numbers. Always.
- Never accept anything or give anything to anyone you do not know. I know it sounds like common sense, but teens are not the least impulsive people and sometimes do not think clearly about what is happening around them.
- Be mindful of their own surroundings. If it seems “off”, it probably is.
- Have them discuss a plan with friends about not drinking and watching out for each other. Make sure they STICK to it!
- Keep their money in a location in FRONT of them, so they have access to it easily, but pick-pocketers don’t.
- Have access to money if something happens and they need to take a cab or buy food/water quickly.
- Eat well before they leave home. A full stomach slows the absorption of alcohol if they choose to drink (and don’t tell you)
- Make sure that even when they are drinking water or non-alcoholic drink that they never put their drink down or hand it to someone else. Most “date drugs” are colorless, odorless, and tasteless.
- Establish rules and consequences. Rules might include no underage drinking, leaving parties where alcohol is served and not riding in a car with a driver who’s been drinking. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time — and enforce them consistently.
- Come up with a shared code word that will help both of you understand your teenager needs you as soon as possible.
The links below share more information about the festivals and alcohol consumption risks and statistics.
What other advice would you tell parents to tell their kids prior to music festivals like Lollapalooza?
Going to overnight camp is a wonderful gift for kids and teens. It’s an opportunity to make friends, have fun and develop an increased sense of independence. Some kids may board the bus and seem to never look back, where as other kids experience some hesitation in taking that step. Parents too may experience some stress associated with getting their kids packed and ready for camp, as well as for their time spent away from home. Below are some tips for kids and parents to help create a successful overnight camp experience. Happy camping!
Tips for Kids
- 1. Try something new – Camp provides many opportunities that are not available on a daily basis when at home. Try something that you haven’t done before. Sign up for horseback riding, water skiing or ceramics. You may unexpectedly find an activity that you enjoy or are good at. This is also a good opportunity to meet new kids that you may not have hung out with before.
- Include others – Just like at school, some kids will feel the need to create social “drama.” Sure, there will be some people in your cabin that aren’t going to be your best friend, but still treat them with kindness. Including others prevents negativity and drama that takes away from the true fun of overnight camp. No one wants to be on the excluding end, so treat others how you want to be treated.
- Create your support system – All kids experience some degree of homesickness throughout their overnight camp history. Homesickness can be very difficult and may feel lonely, if you do not have a close friend or counselor that you can share your feelings with. You may not want to share your feelings with everyone in your cabin, but it is important to confide in another camper or counselor. Likely they have experienced similar feelings or can share that other kids are feeling that way too. Friends and support systems are there to help us when we are feeling down. They may be able to offer a hug, help to distract you or cheer you up. Likely, you will feel a sense of relief knowing that you can talk with someone and that you are not alone with your feelings.
Tips for Parents
- Label clothes – As much as you’d like to imagine that cabins are neatly organized, clothing inevitably gets mixed amongst campers. Overnight camp is full of dress-up and themed nights, not to mention the sharing of tank tops, headbands and bandanas. Labeling clothing is an easy way to help your kiddo stay organized and provide you with peace of mind that he/she will come home with all (or most J) belongings.
- Validate feelings, but instill confidence– In the days and weeks leading up to departure to camp, he or she may be nervous, afraid, excited, or all of these at once. It is important that you keep your own emotions in check in order to validate his or her feelings. Make sure s/he knows that the feelings are normal and that lots of kids going off to camp have those same feelings. Remind them that the unknown is ok and that they will soon feel at-home at camp. Be sure to communicate a sense of confidence in your kid’s ability to be successful at camp, even though they may experience some uncomfortable feelings. Kids look to their parents in times of uncertainty and if you are confident, they are more likely to adopt the same perspective.
- Let go of the control – Remember that the take away from overnight camp is not the number of times per day teeth are brushed, how well clothes are organized or how many letters are written each day. Kids remember and feel fulfilled by the relationships they form, their newly found sense of independence, the frequency of laughter and a strong sense of belonging. Communicate some self-care and organizational suggestions, but allow your son/daughter the freedom to navigate the daily routines of overnight camp.
The kids are off to overnight camp! Which parent of summer campers are you? Are you one of the “I can’t wait till they’re off” folks, or the “I can’t wait till they come home” types? The former are often parents of veteran campers, or moms/dads who had great overnight camp experiences themselves, and eagerly envision their children experiencing the same. The latter is admittedly more challenging. It’s an uncomfortable feeling…the sense that something is a little “off,” a perpetual worry that plays in your gut, a pensive anticipation at random moments…this is the stuff that extended separations from our children produce in parents of fledgling overnight campers. But fear not, because the experience is not only temporary, but growth-promoting, for parents and kids alike.
What Your Kids Need
They need to know that you’re ok…so that they can be ok! If you focus too much on telling your child how much you will miss them, or anticipate every possible issue or concern that might potentially arise, they may begin to question your belief that they can handle the experience. It is best to envision the best possible outcomes your child may have, and keep that in mind when interacting during the weeks and days leading up to their departure.
They need to know that you believe they are capable. Most overnight camps don’t allow parents to call or text their child while at camp for this very reason: to allow kids to adjust and be successful away from their parents. When your child starts to think of all the “what ifs” that can happen at camp, reassure your camper that she can think through options and problem-solving, as well as taking appropriate risks in reaching out to new friends and camp counselors. The potential for developing self-confidence starts with sons and daughters meeting new challenges with an open mind, and a silenced cell phone.
What You Need
As important as enabling your child to feel competent, is to recognize that you as the parent are capable of enjoying a summer camp break as well! It’s great to spend some time focusing on yourself, or engaging in a little extra couples-time, or perhaps spending some special one-on-one time with other kids or family members while your camper is away. Replenishing your own energy and resources is a great gift to yourself, and provides an important example to your kids about good self-care, as well.
So…what happens if your kid struggles during camp, or wants to come home? Rather than over-react, consider the possibility that a teaching moment has arrived. Would you hop in the car and bring Junior home, acknowledging that it’s too difficult to tolerate loneliness or upset or anxiety (and yes, that includes YOU tolerating those feelings in yourself)? Or, would your child benefit from encouragement that there is something she/he can do to feel better, that the difficult feelings won’t last forever and that they can make choices, both attitude and action-based, that will help them tolerate the experience with an open mind and heart. When a kid learns how to make themself feel better, even just a little bit, it
It is July 4th, the perfect day to spend with your family. Of course, it’s a day to celebrate with our friends and family, but it is also important to teach our kids the meaning of this day and explain that it isn’t just about parades, carnivals, barbecues, and fireworks. Talk with your kids about why today is called Independence Day. I challenge you to find some engaging activities outside the run of the mill Independence Day favorites. Need some inspiration? Here are 7 new ideas.
1. Bake red, white and blue treats. You can bake cookies shaped like flags or cupcakes with red, white, and blue frosting
2. Try making this Fourth of July Wand. It’s a simple, colorful craft that will provide the festive aesthetics of fireworks and sparklers. This is great for all ages!! http://www.allkidsnetwork.com/crafts/4th-of-july/4th-of-july-wand.asp
3. Set up a relay race or water balloon fight with two teams: Americans and British!
4. Have an old-fashioned pie-eating contest in the backyard that relatives of all ages can take part in.
5. Make your own flag. Use Popsicle sticks, poster board, and markers to design your own special flag!
6. Make a Red, White and Blue Spritzer Fill a glass with frozen blueberries and strawberries, and top with Sprite or 7UP. This refreshing, patriotic treat encompasses the colors of the flag — and cools you off for summer! You could also freeze red and blue Kool-Aid in ice cube trays, and add the colorful cubes in place of the frozen fruit. Both are simple and rejuvenating.
7. Make a fourth of July Confetti Popper. This reusable popper lets you launch paper “fireworks” during Fourth of July parades and barbecues — or wherever confetti is needed.
a) Cut the top 2½ to 3 inches from a clean plastic bottle and discard the rest.
b) Cover the cut edge with tape.
c) Stretch the mouth of a party balloon over the bottle’s opening.
d)Work the neck of the balloon over the threads of the bottleneck
e) Cut paper into confetti, then pour the pieces into the popper.
f) Hold onto the bottleneck with one hand, and pull down on the bottom of the balloon with the other.
g) Let the balloon snap to launch a shower of confetti.
Father’s Day is right around the corner. With summer officially starting next week, many dads will be spending time grilling with their families and having fun in the great outdoors. Father’s Day shouldn’t be the only time we plan something special with the family, but it is a great day to bond and become closer.
It is important that fathers build that special bond with their kids from the moment they are born and there are so many different ways to do that. Dads who play with their kids from day one not only boost their child’s physical and mental development significantly more than those who don’t “join in”, but hands-on fathers also suffer from less stress. Dr. Obie Clayton, professor of sociology at Morehouse College, explains, “The effect that fathers have on daughters is extremely strong, even more so than for boys. When fathers interact with their daughters, those girls have higher self-esteem and go on to succeed in college.” So dads, remember it is good for EVERYONE to play together and here is a great list of 9 ways to help build that relationship.
1) Build a fort with boxes, blankets, couch cushions or whatever else you have on hand that would work. This is a great way to build your child’s imagination.
2) Take a train trip to Chicago and check out the new Maggie Dailey Park. This is great for all ages. The park even has signs to let you know suggested ages, great for all parents!! http://www.chicagoparkdistrict.com/parks/maggie-daley-park/
3) Play hide-and-seek. This one is a great idea for a rainy day too.
4) Make cookies or another snack to share. You could even surprise the neighbors by leaving them a special treat (don’t forget a note letting them know it was you)!
5) Be silly….this means do anything silly. Make your child laugh. These are the moments kids remember.
6) Cook or bake a special lunch together. Start with the grocery store and go shopping together! Help teach the importance of cooking/baking together.
7) For the special daddy/daughter dates, get dressed up and treat your special girl to a very extraordinary date. Remember, you will be the first man she loves.
8) Get some exercise and go on an adventure. Check out the local forest preserve and go for a walk. Don’t forget the bug spray!
9) Make a music video! Dance and sing as loud as you can!!
Will the kids be all right? Divorce is rarely simple. It can be difficult to come to terms with and adjust to the loss of a long term relationship, especially one in which children were created. Although no one ever enters marriage anticipating a divorce, the reality is that many families endure this process of change. We often hear from friends, family, and the news about the tribulations of divorce and the certain damage it causes to kids. Although divorce is guaranteed to produce change for kids, harm and dysfunction are not imminent. I have worked with numerous families as they navigate this difficult process and have seen that when adults act responsibly, respectfully and proactively, children can thrive and families can continue to be successful.
Co-parenting is not an easy feat, no matter how you look at it, but here are 6 tips parents can use to increase success and decrease barriers.
- Agree to disagree – It is hard to accept the fact that your kids will have two homes, one of which you have minimal control over rules and expectations. Accept that your ex can make decisions at his/her home, just as you have that power in your home. Although you may not agree with how things are done in your ex’s home, as long as your kids are fed, clothed, safe, and loved, they will be ok.
- Choose your battles – When your kids are with your ex, think about the issues that really matter to you and have a conversation about how to create a sense of consistency between homes. You can certainly negotiate which rules need to be steadfast for consistency and to mitigate confusion when the kids go from one house to another, and for the rest of it, see #1.
- Model appropriate behaviors – Model the coping and decision-making skills that you would like to see your children use. Your kids are watching your actions and will begin to repeat this behavior.
- Don’t make your kids choose a side – Kids want to align their thoughts and feelings with their parents’ views. When parents divorce and are not on the same page, kids may feel pressure to align with one parent over another. This stress can be alleviated by letting the kids know they do not have to choose a side. Assure them that they can still love and respect both parents, even though the marriage was no longer successful. This stance allows you to support kids’ desires to protect and be loyal to both parents.
- If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all- Just as we learned as kids, it is important for adults to live by this same important rule. If you bad-mouth the other parent, the kids could identify characteristics in themselves that are similar to the other parent, which can create self-doubt in the children as well as resentment toward you or the other parent.
- If you’re ok, then your kids will be ok – Kids look to their parents for a sense of hope and confidence in their ability to handle the challenges they encounter. If you take care of yourself and present with a sense of positivity, your children will adopt a similar outlook. They do not need to worry about the adult struggles and problems you are faced with during or after the divorce.
6 Things Teens Wish Their Moms Knew About Them
Remember when you were a teenager and said to your mom, “You have no idea what it’s like being a teenager!”? Teens make no qualms about telling their parents how out of touch they are with being a teen. Obviously, it’s because “it’s totally different now than when you were a teenager.” It happens in every generation. Many aspects of teenage angst are the same, but teens today face many new challenges that simply didn’t exist when we were teens. Yet, despite what they say, teens do want you to understand them and the struggles they face.
- Teens Today Can’t Ignore Pressures the Way We Could
All moms were teenagers once. Teenagers today face some of the same issues we faced: dating, curfew, academic and social pressure, parties, drinking, drugs, and bullying. The difference is that teens today can’t escape these pressures the way we could by simply closing the door to our homes, turning off the phone, or letting the answering machine take the calls. Social media, texts messages, and instant messaging bring all these pressures into the formerly safe haven of their homes, their cars, their lives.
Parenting Tip: Please don’t assume things are the same as they were when you were a teenager and talk to your teen about what she thinks is different. Ask her to teach you about strategies she has found to be helpful in coping with difficult situations.
- Social Rejection Is Actually Painful
Teens really care about what their friends think. When they are socially rejected by their peers, recent studies out of UCLA and University of Michigan indicate that social rejection actually registers as bodily injury (or pain) in the brain! So, words CAN hurt as much as sticks and stones! When teens’ friends disapprove, mock, or socially reject them, it can feel worse than a punch in the gut.
Parenting Tip: Please have patience with your teen’s preoccupation with friends. Help her think through social situations, so she can find great friends who treat her well. Allow your teen to balance social time with family time, work time, and alone time. It’s essential for a teen’s development.
- Teens Need Space
Teens need space. They need space to think, to self-regulate, to grow. When you ignore your teen’s need or request for space, he thinks his needs aren’t important to you. When teenagers need space and they aren’t getting it, they will push you away- physically AND emotionally in order to obtain the space they need.
Parenting Tip: If your teen asks for space, it doesn’t mean something is terribly wrong. Teens need time to process their thoughts just like we do. If you can allow them to have time to problem-solve and process a situation, they will be able to better problem-solve as adults.
- Teens Need Praise Just As Much, If Not More Than When They Were Little
Everyone needs praise. Your teen is no different. She needs to hear that her efforts to make good choices are paying off and aren’t going unnoticed. Teens’ self-esteem relies on learning about what they do well, even when THEY have a hard time seeing it.
Parenting Tip: As parents, we need to do a lot of teaching, instructing, and let’s face it: nagging. When you tell your teen what he is doing well, he may be more inclined to continue doing it. You are reinforcing good behavior in the same way you did when your teen was a toddler. When you are being positive with your teen, you may be the only one praising him.
- Teens Are Not Adults
Of course your teen may remind you about how close he is to leaving for college (sniff sniff) and how he can’t wait to move out. However, teens don’t want to be forced to make big decisions in the family like custody issues, financial decision making that affects the family, etc. Teens need to continue to be teens and yes, sometimes make poor choices and have to live with them.
Parenting Tip: Share with your teen information that helps them grow into responsible self-sufficient results, but don’t burden them with your adult issues. They don’t need to have details about your financial struggles or be privy to why you and your spouse are fighting. They have their own stress. They need time to have fun, make mistakes, and simply be a teen. Ask your teen more questions to guide their decision making, rather than giving advice.
- The Tough Stuff
Address difficult issues with your teen. If you don’t bring up important issues, your teen may assume it’s because you can’t handle the difficult situations. Then, your teenager may not think to tell you important information in his life.
Parenting Tip: When you address difficult subjects with your teen, she can learn strategies from you: someone who has survived the difficult situations she is now facing. This creates the positive lifelong process of being able to handle difficult situations appropriately and if they can’t, finding the right people who can help them.